As parents, we spend a lot of time thinking about the expectations placed on our kids—by school, society, or even themselves. But there’s another piece of the puzzle that often gets overlooked: the expectations our kids place on others.
From friendships and teammates to teachers, coaches, and even family members, kids are constantly forming beliefs about how people should treat them—and what they should be able to expect in return. Helping our kids shape these expectations with clarity, grace, and confidence is a powerful part of raising emotionally intelligent, resilient humans.
In this post, I’m breaking down how to:
- Help your child form realistic expectations of others
- Teach them to cope with disappointment when people fall short
- Support them in setting and holding boundaries that protect their well-being
🎧 Prefer to listen? This post is based on Episode 6 of the podcast. You can listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you like to listen.
Why Expectations of Others Matter
Whether it’s a friend who doesn’t share, a sibling who snaps, or a classmate who leaves them out, our kids will face moments when people don’t meet their expectations.
These moments can hurt—but they’re also opportunities. When we help kids reflect on what they expect from others, and why, we give them tools to build stronger, healthier relationships.
How Expectations Form (and Why They’re Not Always Realistic)
Kids form expectations in all sorts of ways: through past experience, what they see modeled around them, or simply what feels “right” to them in the moment. Sometimes those expectations are grounded in reality. Other times? Not so much.
For example, my daughter Josie had her heart set on getting her nails done for her birthday this year—because we did that once before. In her mind, it had become a tradition. I had to gently explain that we didn’t have time (or budget) for a nail appointment this year, but we could still do something special at home. We also talked about the idea that just because something happened once doesn’t mean it will happen every year—and that it’s okay to feel disappointed.
These kinds of conversations help kids realize that not every hope will turn into a habit, and not every preference will become a promise.
Idealism vs. Reality: Teaching Perspective-Taking
Younger kids often expect the world to operate around their needs. That’s not selfish—it’s developmental. They simply haven’t learned yet how to take on someone else’s point of view.
As they grow, we can help by introducing reflection questions like:
- “Do you think they knew what you expected?”
- “What else might have been going on for them?”
- “Was this a one-time mistake or part of a pattern?”
We can also help them notice the difference between what’s ideal and what’s realistic:
- It’s ideal to always be picked first in a game—but that won’t always happen.
- It’s ideal for a friend to include you every time—but friendships are fluid.
- It’s ideal for others to treat us how we want—but they may not always know how.
Coping with Disappointment Without Shame or Blame
Even with realistic expectations, people will sometimes let us down. One of the most important things we can teach our kids is that disappointment is okay—but resentment doesn’t have to follow.
Here’s a helpful mindset to share with your child:
“It’s okay to feel disappointed. Let’s think about what kind of relationship you want with this person going forward—and how you want to respond.”
Encourage them to reflect:
- Was it on purpose, or an accident?
- Is this something they’ve done before?
- Can this relationship be repaired?
And when your child is the one who’s fallen short? That’s the perfect time to talk about what a real apology sounds like: taking responsibility, naming what happened, and showing a desire to make things right.
Boundaries: Teaching Kids to Protect Themselves with Confidence
Eventually, your child will encounter situations that go beyond disappointment. They’ll experience moments where a line is crossed—and that’s where boundaries come in.
The key here is helping them understand that:
Boundaries are not punishments. They’re how we protect our emotional and physical well-being.
Start by giving them clear, repeatable phrases like:
- “I’m not okay with that. Let’s try again.”
- “I need a break right now.”
- “I want to stay friends, but I don’t like when this happens.”
- “Please stop. That makes me uncomfortable.”
And just as important? Teach them that boundaries aren’t just for damage control—they’re for keeping good relationships healthy, too.
Sometimes setting a boundary strengthens a friendship by creating clarity and safety. And when words aren’t enough, help them know what actions to take:
- Walk away
- Ask for help
- Revisit the conversation when things are calmer
One Final Thought
At the end of the day, helping our kids build thoughtful expectations of others—and decide what to do when those expectations aren’t met—sets them up for stronger, more respectful relationships.
They learn to give grace without giving up their needs.
To adjust without losing themselves.
And to speak up when something doesn’t feel okay.
Try This at Home: 3 Conversation Starters
Want to open up a conversation with your child around expectations and boundaries? Try one of these:
- “What’s something you expect from a good friend?”
- “Has someone ever let you down? What happened next?”
- “What’s a boundary you think is important for you to have?”
🎧 Want more? Listen to the full episode wherever you get your podcasts!
Find What I Want My Kids to Know on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at whatiwantmykidstoknow.com.
And if this post was helpful, feel free to share it—or follow along on Instagram at @whatiwantmykidstoknow_pod for more parenting tools and reflection prompts.
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