Welcome back for the second episode of our mini series all about expectations. Last time, we talked about external expectations—how kids respond to pressure from the outside. Today, we’re flipping the lens inward. Because over time, external messages become part of how our kids talk to themselves.
In this episode, we’re talking about the voice inside your child’s head—how it forms, how it drives motivation and self-worth, and how we as parents can help shape it in a way that supports growth, confidence, and accountability.
How & When Inner Voice Forms
Let’s start with how and when kids’ inner voices begin to take shape—because it’s earlier than most of us think.
You can start to hear traces of your child’s internal dialogue as early as age 3 or 4. It shows up in how they celebrate small wins or express frustration when things don’t go their way. In those moments, we’re witnessing the real-time formation of self-belief and confidence—especially during play.
Right now, our 4-year-old, Leigha, is in the thick of this stage. When she builds something she’s proud of, like a fort or a block tower, we’ll often hear her shout, “I did it!” or even better, “I did it all by myself!” That’s her inner voice forming—her beginning to tell herself, I’m capable. I can do hard things.
But that confidence-building voice is still pretty new for her. We actually started hearing the negative self-talk earlier on. Leigha is quick to get frustrated when something doesn’t go as planned. “I can’t do it” has been a frequent phrase in our house. And while that’s developmentally normal, I’ve tried to be really intentional about how I respond in those moments.
When she’s already celebrating a success, I’ll affirm it right away:
“Yes! You did that all by yourself!”
Or I’ll catch her mid-task and say,
“Look at you go—you’re doing it!”
But when the “I can’t” voice starts to show up, I shift my focus. I remind her that I believe in her, and I also let her know it’s okay to ask for help. I don’t want her to push past her breaking point, but I also don’t want her to give up too early. Often, I don’t even need to step in and do much—just being present gives her the support she needs to keep trying. And in those moments, I get to reflect her effort back to her and help shape how she sees her own ability.
This is how kids’ inner voices are formed—in real life, in real time. What they see, hear, and feel around them becomes the way they speak to themselves.
And this doesn’t just apply to Leigha. we’re still helping to shape Josie’s inner voice, and even our youngest, Greta, who’s only 18 months old, is already showing signs of that early self-talk developing. Greta has this adorable obsession with shoes. One day, by total accident, we asked one of her sisters to go get a pair—and Greta ran off and came back with a matching pair from the right closet. We were shocked. But now, it’s something she does all the time. When we cheer her on or tell her, “You did it!” she absolutely lights up. She claps for herself, smiles so big, and you can just see that she feels proud.
Even at 18 months, she’s learning, I can do this. That’s self-talk and identity being formed.
But it’s not just about what we say to our kids. It’s also about what we say about them—especially when they’re in earshot.
If we’re venting about our child being needy, dramatic, or not meeting expectations, and they overhear it, they internalize those messages too. That disappointment doesn’t just sit in the moment—it becomes part of how they see themselves. Those negative words can start to sound like truth in their own heads.
The bottom line is this: the way we speak to our kids and the way we speak about them is what shapes their inner voice. And that inner voice becomes the foundation for things like motivation, accountability, and resilience down the road.
As you’ve heard me say more than once, this isn’t about perfection. I’ve absolutely had days where I slip into frustrated complaining or miss a key moment to build my kids up. But more often than that, I’m intentional about the things I know will help—and I’ve learned to celebrate that in myself as a mom. Because I know that every time I affirm their effort, celebrate their growth, or show up when they’re struggling, I know that I’m helping build the voice they’ll carry with them for the rest of their lives.
Healthy vs. Harmful Self-Talk
So now that we understand where self-talk comes from and how it starts to take shape early on, let’s talk about how it evolves—because it does change and grow over time. That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to our kids’ inner dialogue at every stage of development, not just when they’re little.
Kids who develop healthy, positive self-talk tend to be kind to themselves. Their inner voice is reflective, forgiving, and focused on growth. It helps them believe that mistakes are okay, and that it’s safe to try again—even if things didn’t go right the first time. That’s where we start to see resilience and grit take root.
When kids are younger, this might show up in something small but meaningful, like rebuilding a block tower or trying to draw the perfect unicorn. As they get older, it becomes about bigger challenges—like learning a tough skill for their sport, recovering after a bad grade, or making things right with a friend after a misstep. A growth-oriented inner voice tells them, “This isn’t the end of the world. I’ll be okay.” It gives them permission to try again and ask for help when they need it.
On the flip side, harmful self-talk sounds very different. It’s often rigid, shame-based, and discouraging. When kids are stuck in this kind of thinking, their inner voice says things like, “I’ll never be good at this,” or “I always mess up.” And when that belief takes hold, it becomes really hard for them to find the motivation to try again—because that drive to show up starts from the inside. No amount of external praise or pushing can override a voice that’s convinced it’s not worth the effort.
This is something I see often as an educator. There are so many kids who are fully capable of doing well—but they’ve given up on themselves. Somewhere along the line, they stopped believing their effort made a difference. Even when they do try, their inner voice tells them it won’t be enough, so eventually… they stop trying altogether.
They still show up physically—they’re in the classroom, they’re in the seat—but the effort and engagement just aren’t there. Their inner voice has convinced them it’s safer not to try than to risk failing again.
And bringing kids out of that mindset is really, really hard. It takes patience, time, and a lot of intentional support. We have to look for small windows of opportunity—moments when they can prove to themselves that their effort is worth it. And when we find those moments, we hope a snowball effect takes hold—one success leading to another, and another. It’s fragile work, and it requires consistency, encouragement, and a whole lot of belief in the child—especially when they don’t believe in themselves yet.
As an educator, I know I can be a small part of rebuilding that inner voice for students who need it. But the biggest impact I can make is with my own kids—by doing everything I can, day by day, to make sure that the positive outweighs the negative inside their heads.
That’s why our influence matters so much. We can’t control our kids’ inner voice, but we can shape it—by how we respond, how we encourage, and how we help them reflect on what’s true and what’s worth holding onto.
It’s also important to remember this isn’t black and white. No child will have perfectly positive self-talk all the time—and that’s okay. If your child tends to lean more negative right now, it doesn’t mean they’re stuck there. Like any skill, self-talk is something they can practice, challenge, and reshape—with time, support, and a little guidance.
Fostering Intrinsic Motivation
So we’ve talked about how a child’s inner voice shapes their willingness to try again, learn from failure, and push through challenges. But one of the biggest drivers behind that effort is ownership—the sense that what they’re doing actually matters to them.
As adults, we have a lot more autonomy over what we do. We get to choose how we spend our time and energy, and even when we don’t love a task, we can usually make sense of why it needs to be done. That clarity of purpose gives us at least some internal motivation.
For example, I was a much more thorough cleaner when I lived at home as a teenager. My mom had higher standards than I did, and I wanted to meet her expectations. Now as an adult, I like having a clean house—but I don’t exactly love being the one to make that happen. So, I do the bare minimum most of the time, and I’m honest with myself about that. I can own my choices and the outcomes because I’m the one setting the expectations now.
But there are other areas of my life—like preparing for this podcast or planning a birthday party—where I show up with a ton of energy and care. Why? Because those things reflect what I value. I want to do them well, and no one is making me. That’s intrinsic motivation at work.
And that’s exactly what we want to start helping our kids develop.
Because when kids are constantly operating under someone else’s expectations—especially ones they don’t understand or agree with—it’s really hard for them to feel connected to the outcome. It’s hard to feel motivated when the “why” behind the task doesn’t belong to you.
Ownership isn’t about rewards or pleasing someone else. It’s about values. It’s about helping kids connect the task they’re doing with something that actually matters to them—whether that’s personal pride, progress, purpose, or simply being part of something that feels meaningful.
Now, that doesn’t mean every task in life will be tied to deep purpose. Some things, like cleaning or homework or brushing teeth, just need to get done. And it’s okay for kids to learn that reality. But even in those more routine areas, we can start to plant seeds of internal ownership.
It might sound like:
“I noticed how hard you worked on that, and I hope you feel proud of yourself.”
Or: “That looked really tricky, but you stuck with it. How did that feel?”
These little moments help kids reflect on what their effort meant to them—not just to us.
And here’s where this ties back to what we talked about last week. When a child doesn’t understand or believe in the why behind what they’re doing, especially in areas they struggle with, their motivation tends to disappear. That’s often when we see the most rigid or negative self-talk:
“Why should I even try?”
“This isn’t for me.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway.”
Helping kids connect with the bigger picture—why something might actually matter more than they realize—is one of the best first steps toward shifting that mindset. Whether it’s mastering a skill in a sport they love, building progress in a hobby, or even seeing how their effort will help their future selves, the goal is to build internal reasons to keep going. And when those reasons are personal, effort often follows.
Building Self-Accountability
Now that we’ve talked about helping kids take ownership and connect with their “why,” the next step is helping them follow through—especially when things don’t go as planned. That’s where self-accountability comes in.
Let’s start by naming something that’s true for a lot of us: the word accountability can carry a negative weight. It often gets brought up in moments of failure or frustration, after a responsibility has been dropped or a mistake has been made. And for kids, it can start to feel like just another way they’re being corrected or nagged.
But accountability doesn’t have to feel like a punishment. In fact, when it’s tied to intrinsic motivation and a healthy inner voice, it becomes something empowering. It says, I can be responsible. I can own my choices. I can learn and do better next time.
Think about this: when a child feels personally invested in doing well at school, you usually don’t have to remind them ten times to complete an assignment. They’re tracking due dates, managing their time, and following through—because it matters to them. Or if they’re serious about a goal in sports or an activity, they may start scheduling time to practice, or finding ways to improve, without being asked. That’s self-accountability in action.
Now, does this mean your child will always follow through just because they care? Definitely not. Even adults who are highly motivated have days where they fall short, lose steam, or need support to get back on track. But the difference is: that internal drive and sense of ownership make it easier to come back and try again.
As parents, one way we can support self-accountability is by noticing and naming it when it’s already happening. For example, you might say:
“You do such a great job managing your schoolwork—you keep track of what’s due and make sure it gets done. I wonder if we could take some of that same responsibility and apply it to how you take care of your space at home. I know you can do it—I’d rather partner with you on that than feel like I’m constantly reminding you.”
This approach frames accountability as something they already have within them—not something we’re trying to force from the outside.
Of course, some of the most powerful lessons in self-accountability come from misses—when something doesn’t go as planned, and there’s a natural consequence. It’s tempting to step in and rescue them before that happens. But often, the most growth comes when we let our kids experience those outcomes for themselves, and then meet them with support—not shame.
Instead of lecturing or jumping in with “you should have,” try a reflective question:
“What happened this time, and what do you want to do differently next time?”
When kids are given the chance to come to their own conclusions about what went wrong and how to fix it, the lesson sticks much more than when we just spell it out for them.
And while this might sound like something better suited for teens or older kids, you can start building this habit early. Even with young kids, asking simple reflective questions like:
“What could we try differently tomorrow?”
or
“What helped you remember that today?”
can begin to connect the dots between actions, choices, and outcomes.
These kinds of conversations build both accountability and emotional resilience. They teach kids that it’s okay to mess up—and more importantly, that they’re capable of making things right.
The more we normalize these reflective moments and give our kids language to think through their actions, the stronger their internal compass becomes. Over time, accountability stops being something we remind them to do—and starts becoming part of who they are.
So if you’re wondering how to start building that self-talk, ownership, and accountability at home, here are three simple conversation starters you can try this week.
Conversation Starters
- “What do you usually say to yourself when something feels hard?”
(Gives insight into their inner voice) - “What’s a goal you’ve been thinking about lately—and why does it matter to you?”
(Builds ownership and personal motivation) - “Is there something you’re proud of, even if no one else noticed it?”
(Validates intrinsic sense of progress and self-awareness)
The way our kids talk to themselves matters so much more than what the world says to them. When we help them build a healthy, reflective inner voice, we’re giving them something that will stay with them and support them through every stage of life.
But, you don’t have to script that inner voice for them. You just have to be intentional with the messages you model—and reflect the little moments back to them that help them learn, grow, and see themselves clearly.
If this episode got you thinking, I’d be so grateful if you’d take a moment to leave a review or share it with a friend. And if you had a great conversation with your kids—or even just a moment that stood out—I’d love to hear about it. You can send me an email at hello@whatiwantmykidstoknow.com or a DM on Instagram @whatiwantmykidstoknow_pod.
I also want to share a quick listener story that absolutely made my day. I heard from a new mom who said that she and her husband have committed to listening to the podcast each week, then coming together to talk about the episode and how they want to approach that topic as a parenting team. I love how intentional that is—and how they’re using these conversations to align early in their journey. That’s what this show is all about.
Next week, we’ll wrap up this mini-series on expectations by shifting the lens once more—this time, to the expectations our kids place on others. We’ll talk about helping them set healthy boundaries and cope with disappointment when people don’t show up the way they hoped.
Thanks again for being here. I’ll talk to you soon!
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