External Expectations and Pressure: What Kids Need Us to Notice

Listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

Today, we’re kicking off a mini-series all about expectations and boundaries—three episodes that explore how kids experience pressure, how they shape their own internal standards, and how they form their expectations of others with honesty and grace.

In this episode, we’re focusing on external expectations—the ones that come from things like school, activities, friends, family, and culture.
Next, we’ll talk about the internal voice kids develop—their self-talk, perfectionism, and how they measure their own worth.
And then we’ll wrap up the series by exploring what kids expect of others—and how we can teach boundaries without losing kindness or connection.

Expectations felt like an important topic to explore early on in this podcast because they are present in every aspect of our kids’ lives, and something that we need to make intentional decisions about daily as parents.
Our expectations of our kids also shape how we feel about our own parenting—our wins, our worries, and our idea of success.
Finally, external expectations also have a big impact on how our kids develop qualities like self-confidence, resilience, and trust—both in themselves and in us.

For example, my oldest daughter, Josie, is about to start her third season of competitive dance. And let me tell you, Jon and I have had a lot of conversations about expectations—ours, hers, her coaches’, and even those unspoken ones that show up between teammates.
We’ve gotten it wrong a few times. But we’ve also learned what it looks like to find that line—between support and pressure, between motivation and overwhelm.

And of course, expectations show up in more than just sports.
There are external expectations for our kids coming from all directions about :
🎓 Grades
🧹 Chores
🤝 Behavior and social skills
📱 Social media

That’s why it’s so important to talk with our kids about how to recognize expectations, when to listen, and how to decide what matters most—especially when outside expectations clash with what they want for themselves.

We’ll explore lots of different ideas about external expectations:

When expectations turn into pressure
How that pressure might show up in your child’s behavior or emotions
What healthy external expectations actually look like
And how to talk with your kids about all of it in a way that supports them and builds connection—not more stress

Let’s get into it.

First let’s take a closer look at where expectations are coming from—and how those pressures might be shaping our kids’ behavior, confidence, or sense of identity without us even realizing it.

Pressure shows up differently for every kid. It depends on their age, interests, personality, and even the environments they move through each day.

But for most kids, school is one of the first big places they start to feel it.
Whether it’s about grades, behavior, or classroom dynamics, school comes with a steady stream of expectations—and not all of them are predictable. A child might spend 7–8 hours a day trying to meet the expectations of several adults, and it’s unlikely that every teacher has exactly the same expectations, which can lead to a lot of confusion.

Now, add in the expectations from us as parents.
A child might feel like they need to be one thing for their math teacher, something else for their language arts teacher, and someone entirely different when they walk through the door at home.

When that happens, kids can start shape-shifting just to keep the peace or earn approval. And over time, that can chip away at their sense of authenticity or self-trust.

Then there are activities—sports, music, performance, clubs.
These are incredible opportunities for growth, skill-building, and learning to be part of something bigger than yourself. But they also come with layered expectations, especially when a team or group is counting on them.

It’s important to recognize that there’s a fine line between encouraging responsibility—and adding pressure that overwhelms or disconnects them from why they wanted to do the activity in the first place.

Sometimes, the pressure doesn’t come from the coach—it comes from us.
And when we overlook how our child is feeling about the activity in favor of keeping a commitment, chasing success, or “not quitting,” that’s when things like sports culture can start to turn toxic. This really could be an entire episode in and of itself…so stay tuned for that in the future!

Ultimately, if we’re going to say yes to an activity for our kids, we also need to say yes to helping them navigate the expectations that come with it.

Then, of course, there’s peer pressure and social media—which are often the most invisible but most powerful forms of expectation.

These aren’t always spoken outright, but kids feel them constantly.
They come through friend groups, social norms, body image comparisons, follower counts, and unwritten rules about how to dress, act, speak, or spend time online.

These pressures are harder to pin down, which can make them harder to talk about. But helping kids build a strong sense of self early—before they’re fully immersed in these spaces—gives them a solid foundation to come back to.
That includes teaching boundaries, emotional intelligence (you can hop back to episode 2 for more on emotional intelligence if you haven’t listened to that one yet), and giving them language to notice when something doesn’t feel right—even if “everyone else is doing it.”

And finally, there’s our own family’s expectations.

This one is tricky, because values and expectations naturally go hand in hand.
We want our kids to respect our family rules, to learn responsibility, and to internalize the things we believe matter most. But some pushback is part of that process—it’s how kids learn to think critically, develop their own voice, and eventually take ownership of their choices.

So how do we find that line—between honoring our values and allowing healthy disagreement?
How do we correct behavior without shutting down conversation?

These are the kinds of questions we have to keep asking ourselves as parents—and the answers might look different from one season to the next.

Before we move on, I want to pause here and make a quick distinction—because not all expectations are bad. In fact, a lot of them are necessary. They give kids structure, help them grow, and teach them how to function within relationships and responsibilities.

But expectations start to feel like pressure when meeting them causes more discomfort than growth.

And I don’t mean the discomfort of being stretched or challenged in a healthy way. I mean the kind of discomfort that feels heavy, confusing, or even shame-inducing. The kind that makes kids feel like they have to perform to be accepted—or like failure would be a deal-breaker.

That’s often the tipping point—the moment when healthy expectations start to feel like pressure. And it usually happens when…

The stakes feel too high
The expectations are unclear or inconsistent
There are too many expectations at once
Or the child feels like they have to hide who they are in order to meet them

When kids internalize that kind of pressure, it can start to impact how they see themselves—and how safe they feel being open with us.

That’s why noticing how your child responds to the expectations around them is just as important as what those expectations are. We’ll get to that in a bit.

Now that we’ve looked at where external expectations come from, let’s talk about what they do over time—especially when kids don’t have the tools to sort through them.

Because the truth is: kids naturally look outside themselves to figure out who they are.

They pick up on cues from the people around them—what gets praised, what gets corrected, what earns attention or approval—and they begin to build a picture of themselves from those signals. It’s part of how identity forms.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We all do this to some degree. But when a child’s sense of self becomes too dependent on external expectations, it can start to chip away at their own sense of self-confidence.

Let me give you a few examples that might sound familiar:

You might have a child who’s always been “the smart one.”
They get good grades, pick things up quickly, and receive a lot of praise for their performance.
Over time, they start to feel like being “smart” is who they are—not just something they’re good at.
So when they hit something challenging or don’t do as well as they hoped, it doesn’t feel like a bump in the road—it feels like an identity crisis.
Because if they’re not the smart one anymore… who are they?

I see some of this unfolding in our oldest daughter. She’s incredibly bright and already shows those early signs of perfectionism—getting frustrated when something doesn’t come easily, or being bothered when she makes even a small mistake. We’ve been working on shifting the focus away from outcomes and toward effort—celebrating persistence, problem-solving, and healthy struggle, not just success. It’s definitely a work in progress, but it’s been a helpful mindset shift for all of us.

Or maybe you have a child who’s “the quiet one.”
They’re easygoing, observant, not likely to stir the pot.
But they start to believe that speaking up or having a strong opinion would disrupt the role they’ve been given.
So they stay quiet—not because they don’t have anything to say, but because they’re trying to live up to the expectation that they’re “the easy one.”

Now, our middle daughter isn’t exactly quiet—in fact, she’s often quite the opposite. But lately, I’ve noticed her saying things like, “Was I good today?” or “But I didn’t do anything wrong, right?”—especially in moments where we’re redirecting or correcting her sister. It made me pause and wonder if she’s starting to internalize this idea that being “good” means staying out of the way. We’re paying closer attention to how we give feedback now, being intentional about how we respond so she knows that her voice—and her full self—is welcome

Or your child might be “the athlete.”
Their time, their energy, and even their relationships are all tied to their sport.
They feel confident when they’re performing, and that’s where they get the most affirmation.
But when they’re injured, burned out, or simply aging out of that season, they’re left asking, “If I’m not the basketball kid or the dancer anymore, who am I?”

These are just a few examples, but the through-line is the same:
When identity gets built entirely around achievement or approval, it becomes fragile.

Because at some point—whether it’s a tough grade, a conflict with a friend, or a change in circumstance—kids will fail to meet someone’s expectations. And if their worth is tied to that performance, it can leave them feeling lost or unworthy.

That’s why it’s so important for us to notice what kinds of roles or labels our kids are taking on—and to help them see that those things might describe them, but they don’t define them.

You can be smart… and still get things wrong.
You can be quiet… and still have important things to say.

You can be energetic… and not be a burden.
You can be athletic… and still be valuable even when you’re not competing or winning.

We want our kids to know that they’re loved for who they are, not just what they do, or don’t do.

And part of getting there is helping them recognize the difference between what’s true about them and what other people have decided should be true.

So as you think about your own child, ask yourself:

What labels or roles have they started to take on—either from school, friends, or even us?
Where might they be holding on too tightly to something that doesn’t leave room for growth?
And how can we help them build an identity that’s rooted in their character, not just their performance?

Because the stronger their sense of self, the less power those outside expectations will have.

And that’s a really important foundation for what we’re going to talk about next—how to recognize when expectations cross the line and start turning into pressure.

Even if you suspect your child is carrying more pressure than they can express, they likely won’t say it out loud.
Most kids won’t say, “I feel overwhelmed by expectations.”
They probably don’t have that language yet.
Instead, their stress shows up in behavior, mood, or even physical symptoms.

So it’s up to us to notice the signs.

Here are a few red flags that might suggest your child is feeling the weight of external pressure:

1. Sudden perfectionism or fear of failure

If your child starts avoiding tasks they used to enjoy, seems paralyzed by small decisions, or melts down over minor mistakes…they may be thinking:

“If I mess this up, I’m not good enough.”

🗣 What you could say:
“Trying your best is more important to me than doing it perfectly. Did something make this feel extra hard today?”

2. Withdrawal or irritability—especially when school or peers come up

If your child shuts down or gets defensive when you ask about school or friends, there might be pressure they don’t know how to name yet.

🗣 Try saying:
“Sometimes when I was your age, I felt like I had to keep up with everyone. Do you ever feel that way too?”

3. Physical symptoms before high-stakes moments

Headaches, stomachaches, trouble sleeping—especially before a test, a game, or after scrolling social media—can all be signs that your child’s stress is showing up in their body.

🗣 What you could say:
“Do you notice that your body feels different when something’s coming up at school or practice? What do you think it’s trying to tell you?”

4. Over-apologizing or needing constant reassurance

If your child says “sorry” often, or asks things like “Are you mad at me?” or “Did I do it right?”—they may be feeling like being “good” is the only way to stay connected.

🗣 Try reassuring them with:
“You don’t have to get everything right. I’m proud of who you are, even when things don’t go as planned.”

5. “Masking” or shifting who they are depending on the group

If your child seems like a totally different version of themselves at school, at home, or with friends, they might be trying to meet too many unspoken expectations at once.

🗣 Try opening the door with:
“What do you think people expect of you? Do you ever feel like you have to act a certain way just to fit in?”

Now, none of these signs automatically mean your child is overwhelmed.
We all have off days. Some kids are naturally more sensitive or self-aware.

But if these patterns are showing up consistently, especially in situations tied to performance, approval, or peer feedback, there may be more going on beneath the surface.

And even if they’re not voicing it out loud, your child’s behavior might be telling you everything you need to know.

So noticing those subtle signs—and creating space to talk about them—can be the first step in helping our kids release the pressure they’re quietly carrying.

Now, before we declare all expectations the villains of our parenting story, let’s zoom out a bit—because the truth is, not all pressure is bad, and not every expectation is harmful.

When expectations are grounded in trust, encouragement, and growth, they can do incredible things for our kids. They can help them…

🌱 Stretch beyond their comfort zones by trying something new, sticking with a tricky math concept, or performing in front of an audience.
💪 Build grit and responsibility by showing up on time, finishing the project, or practicing even when it’s not fun.
🧠 Develop social awareness and empathy by noticing how their actions affect teammates, classmates, or siblings.
🤝 Work toward shared goals like winning a game as a team, finishing a group project, or keeping the family evening routine on track.

Healthy expectations act like scaffolding: they give kids something to push against and lean on while they grow.

So, what makes an expectation healthy?

Think of it as a simple litmus test:

Clarity – Does my child know what’s being asked and why?
Relationship – Is it delivered with warmth and belief in their potential, not fear or shame?
Room for Mistakes – Does it allow space to stumble, learn, and try again?

Let me give you a quick comparison.

A parent might say:

“I know this is hard, but I believe you can figure it out and you’ve been successful before—I’ll help you if you get stuck.”

That’s a high bar, paired with support. The message is:

“I see potential in you, and I’m here to help you get there.”

Now flip it:
A parent might also say:

“You already know how to do this. Just get it done.”

One opens the door for growth. The other centers frustration—and can make kids feel like they’ve already let us down.

It’s the same skill being taught—but the tone behind it makes all the difference. One centers growth; the other centers fear and shame.

So healthy expectations are:

Clear, reasonable, and relationship‑centered
Focused on effort, improvement, and character—not just end results
Paired with genuine support and belief in the child’s ability

Here’s a phrase you can try the next time your child faces a challenge:

“I expect you to try your best—not be perfect. Trying, asking for help, and learning from your mistakes are what success is in this situation.”

That statement does four important things:

Defines success as effort, not perfection.
Signals safety: That they won’t lose your love or respect if they struggle.
Frames asking for help as a strength, not a weakness.
Keeps the bar high—because trying is a high bar—but also attainable.

Let’s talk about helping kids to sort out the expectations they encounter. Part of growing up is learning which expectations to carry and which to set down. We can coach them to ask:

Is this expectation helping me grow—or just making me anxious?
Does it line up with my values and interests?
Am I allowed to make mistakes on the way, or do I feel like one misstep means I’ve failed?

Helping our kids answer those questions builds wisdom, not pressure—and it teaches them they have power in deciding what gets to define them.

Kids need to hear (and see) that their value isn’t tied to outcomes. One thing I like to think about when it comes to building mindsets like this is reps. Just like learning anything, the more reps or opportunities to practice we get, the more ingrained the skill becomes. We can give our kids these reps in the things we say to them. Little statements like,

“I love how you try, even when something’s hard.”
“You don’t have to be the best at something to be successful”
“I love you for who you are, not what you do.”

The theme here is to focus on effort, growth, and character, not results.

And if you’re wondering how to start these conversations without making them feel too heavy or awkward, here are a few prompts you can try—along with ways to tailor them for different ages.

The root of the first conversation starter is:
🗣 “What do you think people expect of you?”

Younger kids: “What do you think your teacher/friends hope you’ll do?”
Tweens: Use as-is, or add: “Do those expectations feel fair or too much?”
Teens: “What kinds of pressure do you feel most—grades, sports, friends, or just life?”

The basic question of the second conversation starter is:
🗣 “Do you ever feel like you’re supposed to act a certain way to fit in?”

Younger kids: “Are there rules at school that no one says out loud, but you still have to follow?”
Tweens: “Do you feel like you have to act differently around certain people?”
Teens: “Do you feel like people know the real you—or just the version you show?”

And one more Bonus Conversation Starter, you could try asking:
🗣 “If no one was watching you, what would you do differently?”

So as we wrap up this conversation, I hope you’re walking away with a clearer understanding of how external expectations shape our kids—and how we can help them carry only what’s healthy and true. When we slow down to notice the pressure they might be feeling, offer them language to name it, and remind them that their worth isn’t tied to what they achieve, we create a safer space for them to grow. Our goal isn’t to shield them from every challenge, but to stand beside them with curiosity, compassion, and perspective—so they can learn to trust themselves, even when the world around them feels loud.

I hope you’ll try some of the conversation starters or strategies with your kids this week. If you do, shoot me an email at hello@whatiwantmykidstoknow.com and let me know how it went. I would love to feature your story on a future episode of the podcast.

Remember you can follow along on Instagram at @whatiwantmykidstoknow_pod, and listen to the full episode on Apple or Spotify.

Next week we’ll continue the mini-series on expectations by focusing on the expectations our kids have for themselves, and the ways we can help them to form and maintain a kind inner voice.

Hope you all have a great week, talk to you soon!