We all want our kids to feel motivated, proud, and capable—but what happens when that motivation starts to feel more like pressure?
In this episode, we’re kicking off a mini-series all about expectations and boundaries—starting with the ones that come from the world around our kids: school, activities, peers, social media, and even us as parents. We’ll explore how external expectations can shape your child’s sense of self, how to recognize when those expectations turn into pressure, and how to help your kids process it all in ways that build confidence and connection—not anxiety.
Let’s dig in.
Where Pressure Starts
External expectations are present in nearly every space our kids move through—school, home, activities, peer groups. Some of those expectations are healthy, and even necessary. Others can start to feel like pressure.
Your child might be feeling pulled in different directions—trying to meet the expectations of a teacher, a coach, and you, all in the same day. That invisible pressure can chip away at their authenticity and confidence, especially if they start to think they need to “shape-shift” just to meet everyone’s standards.
Where do these expectations come from?
- 📚 School: grades, behavior, teacher preferences
- 🏀 Activities: skill level, performance, being a team player
- 🧍♂️ Peers & Social Media: fitting in, body image, follower counts
- 🏠 Home: family values, household responsibilities
When Expectations Become Pressure
Expectations become pressure when meeting them causes more discomfort than growth. That might look like:
- The stakes feeling too high
- Fear of failure or messing up
- Unclear or shifting standards
- Feeling like performance = acceptance
When kids feel they have to perform to be accepted, they begin to tie their worth to how well they meet these expectations—and that can quickly become overwhelming.
What to Watch For: Red Flags That Might Mean Your Child Is Under Pressure
Kids won’t always say, “I feel overwhelmed.” Instead, their bodies and behaviors speak for them. Look for:
- Sudden perfectionism or avoidance of failure
- Irritability or withdrawal—especially when school or social life is brought up
- Physical symptoms (stomachaches, headaches, trouble sleeping)
- Over-apologizing or asking for constant reassurance
- Masking or shape-shifting around different people
What Healthy Expectations Look Like
Not all pressure is bad. When grounded in trust, clarity, and support, expectations can help kids:
- Stretch themselves
- Build responsibility and grit
- Strengthen empathy and social skills
Healthy expectations are:
- Clear and well-communicated
- Paired with relationship and support
- Focused on effort and growth—not just results
- Safe for mistakes and setbacks
Here’s a phrase to try:
💬 “I expect you to try your best—not be perfect. Trying, asking for help, and learning from your mistakes are what success is in this situation.”
How to Help Kids Navigate Expectations
We can’t filter out every expectation—but we can help our kids think critically about which ones to carry, and which ones to question.
Ask:
- Does this expectation help you grow—or just stress you out?
- Does it align with your goals and values?
- Are you allowed to make mistakes and still feel safe and supported?
The more our kids feel grounded in who they are, the less they’ll rely on outside approval to tell them they’re enough.
Conversation Starters to Try
Here are a few simple prompts to help your child open up:
- “What do you think people expect of you?”
- “Do you ever feel like you act differently just to fit in?”
- “If no one was watching you, what would you do differently?”
Adapt them based on age—and remember, small conversations build big trust over time.
Final Thoughts
Helping our kids navigate external expectations is one of the most important things we can do as parents. It’s not about shielding them from every challenge—but about equipping them with the language, perspective, and confidence to grow through it.
Let them know:
🧡 “You are loved for who you are, not what you do.”
Listen to the Full Episode
🎧 External Expectations and Pressure: What Kids Need Us to Notice
Now streaming on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
💌 Don’t forget to download the free guide: 5 Ways to Create Time for Connection with Your Kids
📱 Follow along on Instagram: @whatiwantmykidstoknow_pod
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