We’ve spent the last few weeks talking about expectations—especially the ones placed on our kids from the outside. But this time, we’re flipping the lens inward.
Because over time, those external messages start to shape something even more powerful: the voice inside our child’s head.
That inner voice—the one that says “I can do this” or “I always mess up”—plays a huge role in how our kids see themselves, how they handle challenges, and whether they stay motivated when things get hard. It shapes their confidence, their willingness to try again, and their belief in their own ability.
So how do we help our kids build a healthy internal voice—one that’s kind, resilient, and grounded in self-worth?
Let’s talk about it.
How & When Self-Talk Starts
You can start to hear pieces of a child’s inner voice as early as age 3 or 4. In how they talk about their wins:
🗣 “I did it!”
And in how they talk about frustration:
🗣 “I can’t do it.”
These moments are more than just words. They’re your child’s brain developing a script—one they’ll start to replay when you’re not around.
The way we respond in those early moments matters. When our kids celebrate themselves, we can echo that joy:
✨ “Yes! You did it all by yourself!”
And when they’re frustrated, we can step in with calm support:
✨ “I believe in you. Let me know if you want help.”
What we say to our kids—and what we say about them, especially when they’re listening—shapes their self-talk more than we realize.
Healthy vs. Harmful Self-Talk
As kids grow, so does their internal dialogue.
✅ Healthy self-talk sounds like:
“It’s okay to make mistakes.”
“I can try again.”
“I know how to ask for help.”
❌ Harmful self-talk sounds like:
“I always mess up.”
“I’ll never be good at this.”
When kids fall into negative thinking patterns, they start to believe effort doesn’t matter—and they often stop trying altogether.
As a school psychologist, I’ve seen capable kids check out completely—not because they don’t care, but because their internal voice has convinced them it’s not worth trying.
That’s why it’s so important to catch those small moments of growth, celebrate effort, and gently challenge the negative patterns when we hear them.
Self-talk can be reshaped—but it takes time, support, and a lot of small conversations that remind our kids what’s true about them.
Helping Kids Find Their “Why”
The best kind of motivation? The kind that comes from within.
Kids are much more likely to stick with something when they believe in it—when it matters to them, not just to us.
That’s where intrinsic motivation comes in.
We can help them build it by:
- Connecting effort to values: “You worked so hard on that—how does it feel to finish it?”
- Reminding them of their goals: “You said you wanted to improve in basketball—what might help with that today?”
- Supporting their autonomy: Let them choose how and when to invest their time.
Ownership isn’t about being perfect. It’s about helping our kids reflect on what they care about—and teaching them to align their actions with their values.
The Power of Self-Accountability
Accountability doesn’t have to be a lecture or a punishment. When it comes from within, it becomes a powerful life skill.
Kids who feel ownership over their choices—and the outcomes—start to show up differently. They remember due dates. They follow through. They reflect on what went well, and what to do differently next time.
And when things don’t go well, that’s a chance to teach too.
Instead of jumping in with a fix or a lecture, try a question:
🗣 “What happened, and what might you do differently next time?”
This gives them space to process—and grow—without shame.
Even our littlest kids can start practicing this. A simple,
“What could we try differently tomorrow?”
can be the beginning of lifelong accountability.
Try This: 3 Conversation Starters
Want to open up a conversation with your child this week? Try one of these:
💬 “What do you usually say to yourself when something feels hard?”
💬 “What’s a goal you’ve been thinking about lately—and why does it matter to you?”
💬 “Is there something you’re proud of, even if no one else noticed it?”
These simple prompts can offer powerful insights—and help shape the voice your child will carry with them for years to come.
Listen to the Full Episode
This episode is part of our mini-series on expectations—and it’s one of the most personal ones yet.
🎧 Listen now: [Episode #5 – What They Expect of Themselves: Helping Kids Build Healthy Self-Talk and Intrinsic Motivation]
🔗 Available on Apple Podcasts, and Spotify.
If this post resonated with you, I’d love it if you’d share it—or leave a quick review on the podcast. It helps more parents find these conversations, and keeps this little community growing strong.
Until next time,
💛 Mykayla
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